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Ugh! Another sleepless night. I can’t help but wonder how long I’m going to be haunted by the sheer essence of him…? Every car that drives by during the night sounds like his to me. I spend sleepless hour after hour on edge, afraid to drift into the dark that pulls at the back of my eyes, the suspense, anticipation and the stress of the unknown. The “what if he does come?” Versus the “he’s not coming” battle it out round after round in my fore brain….its a fucked off cocktail of hope that he does versus the inevitable disappoint with every passing minute that he doesn’t. I find myself catching my breath a thousand times a night at unknown thumps and thuds coming from the dark of the night outside. I pause and wait with every sound….crossing my fingers that it’s his footsteps as he sneaks in like a ninja with a hard-on coming to ravish my ill tended to sweet depths of ecstasy. It takes all my will power to keep myself from wondering where he’s at? Who’s he with? Does he miss me? Did he really even love me? The endless worries and curiosities are both maddening and overwhelming soul crushing. I fear a future mental break is hovering at dangerously close levels…. the tiniest amount endured from one more heart break very well could be the catalyst to successfully labeling me as being irrevocably broken. Game over. Lock her up and throw away the key kind of status in life.

I know that time will heal this tidal wave of sadness, sleeplessness, anger, disappointment and heart break. I silently beg and plead to the universe to make the sheer memory of him fade away, quickly….so I can get back to living a life full of memories, happiness, companionship, earth moving orgasms and genuine love.

Xoxo 💋

Side thought: if my years as an adult thus far has taught me anything it’s that there is two kinds of love and you’ll only realize that once you’ve had the life changing experience of losing the love of your life. When I had prior breakups when I was younger it undeniably hurt every single time as I was “in love” at the time but with each love lost I was able to quickly bounce back….nothing a few drinks and a night out with the girls couldn’t mend. But when you find and experience the REAL love of your life it’s as if their every movement in the universe effects your internal atmosphere. I feel him all the time. Without even realizing it I can generally sense him being close when he shows up unexpectedly. The only way I can think to explain it would be to liken it to the neurons in the air shooting off electricity causing my nerves to tingle whenever he got physically close. Every single day I have to mentally coach myself to a positive place as the crushing reality of knowing he’s out there, somewhere, living life without me beside him, is too hard to comprehend…it feels wrong. It feels like a false existence of reality…it just can’t be real. How can life continue on moving forward knowing two people who felt that once in a lifetime shock to the soul love are no longer embracing that rare gift so many never get the chance to find?!? This all can’t be real. Why would the universe give such a beautiful gift just to take it away? Daily I have to remind myself everything is going to be ok….one-day I hope to find I actually believe that.

And I’m not alone because no one will have me. No, I’m alone because I’m just not ready to give up the memory of him and the memory of ‘us’ yet. Maybe one day soon I will be ready to put it firmly in the past. Today isn’t that day.