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February 11th, 2019
“it is better to have love and lost than to have never had love at all…” – I seriously question if the author really experienced real, deep and true love. I beg to differ. I would have rather never loved than to feel this soul crushing, crippling and suffocating grief that has come with the end of a chapter I had thought would be my happily ever after, my life path for life. Not once did it occur to me that the end would come when he would no longer be apart of my life. Since the moment I laid eyes on him I just knew, well thought I knew, that I was his and he was mine until the end…and I was accepting of that. I knew there would be tough times, obstacles, heart breaks but was willing to take that able to overcome anything thrown our way. And frankly – the first 3 years we did. To say we went through some shit would be a horrifically understatement of the century. We went through some SHIT….but somehow we always pulled through and ended up side by side. Granted, we both bore some serious battle scars, we both changed – not always for the better. We hardened to each other. Too many broken trusts. Too many things said that should of stayed silent. Too many lies. Too many small indiscretions added up to irreparable broken trust, lost hope and rendered any chance of rebuilding dismantled beyond recognition. We both had a deep, unexplained love for each other but that love had turned toxic. The one thing some spend a lifetime searching for and never finding would end up being the one thing that led to each of ours downfall. He broke me. I broke him. Looking back I struggle to name any happy memories…its all muddled with bullshit. I cant honestly say why we both continued to drag out the inevitable – we both knew that this was over. Yet, we still gravitated to one another. We fought against everyone and everything – long gone was the support and encouragement from our friends and family, I was shunned by his coworkers, he was banned from the property where I lived, the courts forbid us from being together – for over two years….yet, we continued to defy all to be at each others side. I struggle to understand why…? The hurt was too deep. The past haunted our every second together. I blame love. Even on his worst day I fear that my will to live without him would ultimately break me. Hes the glue that I crave, need. He is my happy place. My family. He’s bonded with my soul and without him I start to unravel. I find my breath catching with every sound, image or mention of anything that I associate with him. A second feels like a lifetime. We are at our worst as I write this. He lays asleep next to me in a seedy hotel in Salem. The light of the tv highlights his well defined face features. I want so badly to reach out and caress his cheek…to feel the stubble of his handsome face coarse under my fingers. I want to trace the outlines of his full lips. I want to feel his hair under my fingers. My ultimate undoing is the feeling of complete fulfillment. My hands on his bare chest, my head resting on his broad chest of perfectly placed chest hair, feeling him slowly breath…there’s no better feeling in the world. It will haunt me until the day I die. To love a man so deeply and have him just inches away and feel unable to meet the most basic human need to intimacy and touch is crippling. There is no greater hell than to feel so unwanted, incapable of fulfillment and undesired. I wish he still loved me like I do him.